Archive | You Need A Choke Slam! RSS feed for this section

Single…Fabulous…And Full Of Shit

30 Jan

I’m def gonna get ass raped on this one, but like always..I just can’t hold this shit in!!

I am currently NOT single. However, I have been single ALOT in my life, so don’t think this is coming from one of those “relationship” girls who always had a boyfriend and has no fucking clue what its like to be alone.

That being said…ALL THE SINGLE LADIES…cut the BULLSHIT!!

Pull up ur big girl pants, buy a box of chocolates and stop with the I HATE VALENTINES DAY nonsense.

It’s a fucking hallmark holiday..and its corny.

But ya know what…one sure sign of a single bitter woman is when she publicly announces numerous times before Feb 14th how much she hates Valentine’s Day.

How much it sucks and how much she loves being single and blah blah blah..

Ladies, if you love being single so much then why does a corny ass holiday full of hearts and flowers make you so angry???

Ur gonna let Cupid get the best of you? OH HELL NO!!!

Stop being the Anti Cupid…embrace it, make the best of it. Send your best friend candy, go out, get drunk and get laid!!!

I hate Valentines Day, it’s so dumb, OMG…corny, it sucks, die cupid die!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Just cause you don’t have a man in your life doesn’t mean u gotta stomp all over that cute little naked kid with the arrow!!!

Do you realize that no one believes ur a strong independent black woman when they hear you say shit like that?

You make urself look like a sorry individual.

Buck up buttercup…ur time will come, until then…even if you are bitter, don’t show it, it’s not a good look!!

Please send all hate mail regarding this post to b.davis@thisiswhyihateu.com

To my single friends, clearly this is not about you…as always txt me for who its aimed at!!! ;)

Im not MIA…I’m just on HATE overload

16 Nov

I logged onto my website today and realized I have not had a new post since SEPTEMBER….NO BUENO!!!!

Sorry folks…parks closed!! hahahaha

I have not been taken away to the land of sugar plums and gum drops, don’t u worry.

What I just realized is that the amount of shit that I HATE and PISSES  ME OFF  is at an all time high, and I have been having an issue zeroing in on something…UNTIL THIS MORNING…..

DISASTER LOVING BAD ENERGY FEEDING DOUCHEBOXES THIS IS WHY I HATE U!!!!

Now just to break this down…these are the people who as soon as something bad happens in the world around them they are all over it like flies on shit.

They make it their life’s duty (for that day, week, month) to save the world and promote their cause and care about which ever disaster and tell everyone how much they donate and check themselves in at various fundraisers.

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not knocking do gooders…I’m knocking self back slapping, flip flopping, I’m doing this because it looks good dickweeds.

You can spot these people out cause the second something else happens, they forgot what they were “helping” with the day before.

Super Storm Sandy fucked up shit everywhere, and I loved seeing how many people were supporting and helping…until this Israel shit happened…YEAI SAID IT

Since then the flip floppers have forgotten Sandy and are now preaching about help Israel…and they aint even Jewish!

Tomorrow it will be something else I’m sure…or a celebrity will die and I will have to watch a montage of whoever’s filmography until this DICK is done with that situation…

WHY?

Why do you feel the need to protest, protect, and or support the “IN” disaster?

If you such a good person how come you only poke ur head out when bad shit happens?

Why do you get off on terrible situations and take it as a chance to be Goldie Go Getter Do Gooder McAsshole???

JUST BE REAL…you don’t have to give a shit about everything… Just what REALLY matters to U!!!!

Whats the emoticon for dickless?

10 Aug

Men who use emoticons….THIS is why I hate u…

First off let me start by saying I find women who use emoticons annoying. I mean a wink here and there fine, a sad face ok…but must every single thing you write have some yellow-faced dick on the end of it???? ( and NOOOOO I don’t mean Asians)

Now they have like 8 trillion different little annoying characters as if the smiley faces weren’t bad enough….

BUT…there is NOTHING worse than a full-grown adult male who feels the need to add a smiley face on the end of his txt.

Are you slow?

Are you Gay?

Cause either of those would be acceptable…But NO straight man over the age of 8 years old should be using emoticons, END OF STORY!

I’m not single, but if I was and I just met a guy, and we were doing that first stage txting /sexting flirtation that everyone loves, and he did this :) or ;) – I would pull my panties right back up and shut off my phone…

What? You don’t txt with ur pants off? Well that’s neither here nor there….point is PUSSY BOY…cut the shit…before I kick you in ur KEN MOUND you shell of a man!!!

Its unattractive, it’s not cute, it’s not playful…its annoying….and I HATE U FOR IT!

Be a man, write “hahahaha” and leave it at that!

AND I’M DONE!

The Tale of The Closet Whore

2 Apr

You all know one….she hides behind a facade of puppy dogs and ice cream. She walks around like her shit dont stink. She acts as if she is the “guys girl”. Makes friends with your boyfriend. Loves sports, so NOT INTO typical girl stuff…She is “The cool girl”. BUT…In reality, she is waiting for you to turn ur back for 5 min so she can blow your boyfriend… SHE IS THE CLOSET WHORE

BEWARE LADIES…SHE WALKS AMONGST U

The best part about this evil little minx, is that no one ever suspects her until you walk in and find your boyfriend hitting her from behind, and by that point its to late!!

Normally this girl is a little over weight or tom boyish…its part of her disguise. You would never think that she has the vaginal power to lure your unsuspecting boyfriend into some sort of inner thigh sin scenario.

She makes like she is your best friend, but also acts as if she is ur boyfriends best friend sometimes. DOUBLE AGENT…all part of her plan.

You never have confirmation of her secret skank activity. Its mentioned and gossiped about, but no concrete proof. This is because the guys she sleeps with are either embarrassed to say they did it, or can’t because they have a girlfriend…this is how she is able to maintain her NON THREAT persona, when in fact she is lurking thru the night, with lace panties, flying with the help of her CLOSET WHORE CAPE!!!

She also likes to talk shit about other girls. She is the first one to call someone a skank, a pig, a slut…this is because she knows her closet whoreness can never come out fully…to many would be implicated.

LADIES…we must expose this evil beast for what she is. A boyfriend blowing, rim job giving, “if I was ur girl I would never do that” saying, CLOSET WHORE!!!

Careful….look for the signs, you don’t want to walk into ur bridal suite one day and find her under ur husband on ur wedding day….TRUE STORY!!

Rich Children and the PARENTS who RUINED them!

19 Dec

Spoiled little over privileged brats this is why I hate u

U are banker douchbags in training!

Your parents send you to private schools where your dressed like Harry Potter to take French lessons and Piano lessons at the age of 5.

During lunch you can’t enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like us common folk, because your school is nut free, so you have pulled pork sandwiches and sushi on your monthly lunch calender that comes in an email from your smelly breathed British teacher along with a newsletter talking about parent socials.

You have play dates set up a month in advance by the parents assistants, normally you don’t even like each other, but yet are forced to hang out in an awkward social situation because the parents are socially acceptable.

Your mothers are all striving to have the number one kid, and must top all other parents in every aspect. From the BEST birthday party, to the most expensive math tutor…your kid is 5… 2 + 2 = JELLO is just fine!!! Stop trying to raise Doogie Howser, your raising a child who is going to be scared to get a B, and turns to prescriptions drugs to get thru “the pressure”…which is fine, because I’m sure they will be sent to the BEST REHAB FACILITY money can buy!!!

When you go to birthday parties, you don’t give fun gifts. Your mother rather eat nails then buy a child GI Joes…fuck no, you show up with some super brain gift from some boutique smart kid store.

 COME ON…like, let a kid live!! Half the time the parents can’t even figure the toy out…not that they would admit it.

Your kid speaks 3 languages which is great, however it’s mostly because your East Indian nanny spends more time with your kid then you do…

SO at the dinner table he isn’t asking for Aqua to be smart, he is asking for it cause that’s the only fucking word he knows for water!!!

You play chess cause checkers is beneath you. You take swimming lessons, you go to a camp in Westchester that costs as much as some colleges. You have friends by the name of Tucker, Elijah, Hemani, Spencer, Maxim, Theadora and Halcyon because your parents are pretentious douche nozzels…what ever happened to Mikey and Joey???

You are a prop…your parents don’t even love you!!

P.S – THERE IS NO SANTA LITTLE MAXWELL!!! YOUR 12…ITS TIME YOU KNEW!!!!

FB Sharing is for DICKHEADS!

7 Dec

When you get married people say things like “starting your life together”, “two hearts become one”, barf barf barf…

I don’t ever remember anyone saying at any of the numerous weddings I have been to “two identities become one, now share your FB page”

L.O.S.E.R.S!!

You are obnoxious and pathetic. What is the point of sharing a FB page? You mean to tell me that you and your husband have the exact same friends, none different? You mean to tell me, that both of you have good and bad days in unison? Both of you have the same exact thoughts and like to comment on the same pictures and make the same status updates? COME ON NOW!!!

Get a fucking clue, and get a fucking life…OF UR OWN!!!

First off, you confuse everyone ur friends with. We never know which one of you we are talking to. That’s not cool to do to people. What if I say something thinking its my female friend, and I really say it to her husband, and he gets pissed, excited, embarrassed, WHO KNOWS…the possibilty of awkward moments and confusion are endless.

AND…its rude, its like talking to someone on speaker with other people in the room and or car, but not letting them know. Have some common courtesy

Ya know what else is annoying. Seeing this: Michael-Jennifer Smith

WTF is that!!

Just get your own. You two are that couple that everyone finds corny do you know that? Do you think people think its adorable how you share a home, a bed, a life and a Facebook account? Cause if so…I suggest lifting your right arm, making a fist and punching urself in the face.

WE DONT THINK UR CUTE, WE THINK UR TWO BIG DORKS!!

And while I’m at it, can you stop using your shared social media outlet to only post pictures of your offspring…I mean I guess its appropriate since you both DO share that…but its annoying and it makes me loathe you even more.

Keep this shit up and ur getting DEFRIENDED!!!

And this Mr and Mrs Couple of the year we share everything and have no sense of individuality…IS WHY I HATE U!

Glory Days

16 Nov

This post is dedicated to the people who peaked in High School – You know who you are…

Dear Mr. Polk High – HS football superstar….have you looked in the mirror lately? YES, that’s your receding hairline, YES, that’s you gut hanging over your pants, YES, those are MOOBS, not your football gear protruding from your chest….U are now WASHED UP!!

You’re a shell of the man you were when you were 17. That guy that thought he was the hottest thing in town, and was 2 good for every girl…your now married to an over weight soccer mom, who litters the house with photo’s of you when you were actually good-looking.

You work a mindless job that you hate, and the only time you smile is when you jerk off to amature teen porn and get drunk at your local bar with other has beens discussing how you lead the state in touchdowns your senior year of High School.

Please take your football jersey and hang yourself with it!

Stop hitting on me when you see me, this is no longer HS, and because I am now a fine piece of ass, and you USE TO BE a fine piece of ass does not mean I want you and your stained T-Shirt, I wouldn’t fuck you with your wifes puffy vagina!!!

Speaking of your wife….

Dear Ms Overly Pretty, Perfect Popular Princess…YOU my friend, look WORN OUT! Your once glossy shiny hair is now pushed back in a scrunchie. Your overly mature body that made men drool at 17 is now sagging, and overly plumped. Your once beautiful smile is now a frown.

Why are you sad?

Cause Mr. Polk High, HS Football Superstar knocked you up right out of HS, and all you dreams came crashing down around your feet, kinda like your panties were thru most of HS!

Your married to a has been, live in the same town you grew up in, went to community college.  

Never traveled, never did half the things I did in my freshman year alone and now spend every waking moment of your life giving your husband dirty looks behind his back and drowning your feelings in a tub of ice cream and super sized McDonald’s meals on your way to the soccer field to pick up your 5 children.

You pressure your daughter to always wear makeup and never leave the house in sweats and a t-shirt. You constantly remind her of how many boyfriends you had when you were young, and force her to go thru your HS yearbook so she can see your life’s biggest accomplishment…MOST POPULAR!

Please Ms. Prefect….put the cookie down, get a divorce, and leave your daughter alone, before she becomes a slut and my son knocks her up senior year of HS…see a trend here??

Oh….and Miss Most Likely to succeed….she MOST LIKELY succeeded to blow the entire Lacrosse team after being over served at happy hour freshman year…

CANT WAIT FOR MY 20 yr REUNION!!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 25 other followers