thisiswhyihateu

Men who use emoticons….THIS is why I hate u…

First off let me start by saying I find women who use emoticons annoying. I mean a wink here and there fine, a sad face ok…but must every single thing you write have some yellow-faced dick on the end of it???? ( and NOOOOO I don’t mean Asians)

Now they have like 8 trillion different little annoying characters as if the smiley faces weren’t bad enough….

BUT…there is NOTHING worse than a full-grown adult male who feels the need to add a smiley face on the end of his txt.

Are you slow?

Are you Gay?

Cause either of those would be acceptable…But NO straight man over the age of 8 years old should be using emoticons, END OF STORY!

I’m not single, but if I was and I just met a guy, and we were doing that first stage txting /sexting flirtation that everyone loves, and he did this or – I would pull my panties right back up and shut off my phone…

What? You don’t txt with ur pants off? Well that’s neither here nor there….point is PUSSY BOY…cut the shit…before I kick you in ur KEN MOUND you shell of a man!!!

Its unattractive, it’s not cute, it’s not playful…its annoying….and I HATE U FOR IT!

Be a man, write “hahahaha” and leave it at that!

AND I’M DONE!

Spoiled little over privileged brats this is why I hate u

U are banker douchbags in training!

Your parents send you to private schools where your dressed like Harry Potter to take French lessons and Piano lessons at the age of 5.

During lunch you can’t enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like us common folk, because your school is nut free, so you have pulled pork sandwiches and sushi on your monthly lunch calender that comes in an email from your smelly breathed British teacher along with a newsletter talking about parent socials.

You have play dates set up a month in advance by the parents assistants, normally you don’t even like each other, but yet are forced to hang out in an awkward social situation because the parents are socially acceptable.

Your mothers are all striving to have the number one kid, and must top all other parents in every aspect. From the BEST birthday party, to the most expensive math tutor…your kid is 5… 2 + 2 = JELLO is just fine!!! Stop trying to raise Doogie Howser, your raising a child who is going to be scared to get a B, and turns to prescriptions drugs to get thru “the pressure”…which is fine, because I’m sure they will be sent to the BEST REHAB FACILITY money can buy!!!

When you go to birthday parties, you don’t give fun gifts. Your mother rather eat nails then buy a child GI Joes…fuck no, you show up with some super brain gift from some boutique smart kid store.

 COME ON…like, let a kid live!! Half the time the parents can’t even figure the toy out…not that they would admit it.

Your kid speaks 3 languages which is great, however it’s mostly because your East Indian nanny spends more time with your kid then you do…

SO at the dinner table he isn’t asking for Aqua to be smart, he is asking for it cause that’s the only fucking word he knows for water!!!

You play chess cause checkers is beneath you. You take swimming lessons, you go to a camp in Westchester that costs as much as some colleges. You have friends by the name of Tucker, Elijah, Hemani, Spencer, Maxim, Theadora and Halcyon because your parents are pretentious douche nozzels…what ever happened to Mikey and Joey???

You are a prop…your parents don’t even love you!!

P.S – THERE IS NO SANTA LITTLE MAXWELL!!! YOUR 12…ITS TIME YOU KNEW!!!!

When you get married people say things like “starting your life together”, “two hearts become one”, barf barf barf…

I don’t ever remember anyone saying at any of the numerous weddings I have been to “two identities become one, now share your FB page”

L.O.S.E.R.S!!

You are obnoxious and pathetic. What is the point of sharing a FB page? You mean to tell me that you and your husband have the exact same friends, none different? You mean to tell me, that both of you have good and bad days in unison? Both of you have the same exact thoughts and like to comment on the same pictures and make the same status updates? COME ON NOW!!!

Get a fucking clue, and get a fucking life…OF UR OWN!!!

First off, you confuse everyone ur friends with. We never know which one of you we are talking to. That’s not cool to do to people. What if I say something thinking its my female friend, and I really say it to her husband, and he gets pissed, excited, embarrassed, WHO KNOWS…the possibilty of awkward moments and confusion are endless.

AND…its rude, its like talking to someone on speaker with other people in the room and or car, but not letting them know. Have some common courtesy

Ya know what else is annoying. Seeing this: Michael-Jennifer Smith

WTF is that!!

Just get your own. You two are that couple that everyone finds corny do you know that? Do you think people think its adorable how you share a home, a bed, a life and a Facebook account? Cause if so…I suggest lifting your right arm, making a fist and punching urself in the face.

WE DONT THINK UR CUTE, WE THINK UR TWO BIG DORKS!!

And while I’m at it, can you stop using your shared social media outlet to only post pictures of your offspring…I mean I guess its appropriate since you both DO share that…but its annoying and it makes me loathe you even more.

Keep this shit up and ur getting DEFRIENDED!!!

And this Mr and Mrs Couple of the year we share everything and have no sense of individuality…IS WHY I HATE U!

This post is dedicated to the people who peaked in High School – You know who you are…

Dear Mr. Polk High – HS football superstar….have you looked in the mirror lately? YES, that’s your receding hairline, YES, that’s you gut hanging over your pants, YES, those are MOOBS, not your football gear protruding from your chest….U are now WASHED UP!!

You’re a shell of the man you were when you were 17. That guy that thought he was the hottest thing in town, and was 2 good for every girl…your now married to an over weight soccer mom, who litters the house with photo’s of you when you were actually good-looking.

You work a mindless job that you hate, and the only time you smile is when you jerk off to amature teen porn and get drunk at your local bar with other has beens discussing how you lead the state in touchdowns your senior year of High School.

Please take your football jersey and hang yourself with it!

Stop hitting on me when you see me, this is no longer HS, and because I am now a fine piece of ass, and you USE TO BE a fine piece of ass does not mean I want you and your stained T-Shirt, I wouldn’t fuck you with your wifes puffy vagina!!!

Speaking of your wife….

Dear Ms Overly Pretty, Perfect Popular Princess…YOU my friend, look WORN OUT! Your once glossy shiny hair is now pushed back in a scrunchie. Your overly mature body that made men drool at 17 is now sagging, and overly plumped. Your once beautiful smile is now a frown.

Why are you sad?

Cause Mr. Polk High, HS Football Superstar knocked you up right out of HS, and all you dreams came crashing down around your feet, kinda like your panties were thru most of HS!

Your married to a has been, live in the same town you grew up in, went to community college.  

Never traveled, never did half the things I did in my freshman year alone and now spend every waking moment of your life giving your husband dirty looks behind his back and drowning your feelings in a tub of ice cream and super sized McDonald’s meals on your way to the soccer field to pick up your 5 children.

You pressure your daughter to always wear makeup and never leave the house in sweats and a t-shirt. You constantly remind her of how many boyfriends you had when you were young, and force her to go thru your HS yearbook so she can see your life’s biggest accomplishment…MOST POPULAR!

Please Ms. Prefect….put the cookie down, get a divorce, and leave your daughter alone, before she becomes a slut and my son knocks her up senior year of HS…see a trend here??

Oh….and Miss Most Likely to succeed….she MOST LIKELY succeeded to blow the entire Lacrosse team after being over served at happy hour freshman year…

CANT WAIT FOR MY 20 yr REUNION!!!

Now what is a status assassin you ask?

I will tell you, cause I like to share. A status assassin, is normally not one of your core friends, it’s an acquaintance of some sort who feels the need to chime in on all your status updates. You were never close, but for some reason this person thinks they are your ride or die bitch!

Now that’s annoying in itself, however, it gets worse. Not only does the status assassin have no business commenting on your posts as is, they make off-color comments, strange out of nowhere comments, comments that have nothing to do with said status to begin with.

THEREFORE, they fuck up the entire tone of your status update and cause side chats to happen along the lines of “ugh, wtf is so and so talking about, why must they comment on everything, they don’t even make sense, I wish so and so would go away”.

DO NOT BE THIS PERSON!!!!

Do you like getting talked about behind your back? I think not! 

My favorite is when the status assassin comments on something that they were not involved in AT ALL.  Like private jokes for example. Really buddy??  You have zero idea what I’m talking about so why do you “like” my comment, and why are you referencing a movie, this isn’t from a movie dickhead, it’s from last friday night…Oh, you didnt know that?? Prob  cause you weren’t there shitstick and you have NO IDEA what I’m talking about!!!

DUDE,  stop chiming in.

Or when a perfectly funny status thread is in the works like 40 comments deep, and the assassin says something gross or completely inappropriate but NOT in a funny way,  or makes everyone involved feel awkward and itchy and everyone collectively bows out of my afternoon FB fun!!

Do I ever comment on your shit? NO…cause Im hoping you will fade away and I can eventually defriend you un noticed…NO SUCH LUCK!!!

SO…FB STATUS ASSASSIN…THIS IS WHY I HATE U!!!

Chicks who have a kid and forget the person they use to be….This is why I hate u!!

Let me first say before some of my friends/family rip my nips off….I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU…AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…

I am talking about the people who were once fun and witty, who now spend every second of the day gushing about their child, only talking about what little Timmy did today and how cute it was when he coughed and farted at the same time. Who only send emails about the joy of motherhood, and spend every waking second of their day making sure somehow the conversation does a full circle back to their child.

Cut the shit!!! Who are you? Cause I no longer know you…

Stop with your “welcome to the club” stuff when someone has a baby. Welcome to what club? The boring club? The my life is so much more important than yours club because I have a child and you stay out till 3am on a thursday club?

I understand that once you have a child your life changes drastically. That it’s not only about you, you have a young life to mold and care for. I get it. I’m not downgrading your responsibilities and your priorities ( like U do to single/childless people). I get it. But nowhere in that How to Be a Mommy book does it say, you must now suck, and bore everyone to death with alien photo’s covered in placenta, and constant complaining about being tired, and telling me how much yo gabba gabba drives you nuts.

Talk to ur ”Mommy Club” friends about that, cause frankly I don’t care. Im pissed that you no longer find humor in anything but Mickey’s Clubhouse, and that I can’t have a convo with you without SOMEHOW you telling me how “those days are over” or “oh, im a mother I can’t do that”.

YES U CAN!!!

I know alot of fun mom’s that have not turned into bore’s. Who will talk about their kid, but realize that the world does not revolve around their feeding schedule, and actually take the time to ask about your life, or make plans that involve a babysitter and going out and being the person they use to be.

So Mommy Dearest, Mother of the Year, My child is MY LIFE, you can’t possibly understand LOVE until you have a BABY, Sucky McSuckerson…BLOW ME!

I will be out having a good time, posting on FB about things other than strollers and nipples!!

If having a kid means losing the entire person you use to be, well then shit….IM GOOD WITHOUT ONE!!

And to the mom’s out there that love their kid, take care of their kid, give their kid everything, but still manage to be cool, not self centered assholes…U ROCK!