Beauty and the BEAST

8 May

 

This is one of the worlds wonders…

Right up there with the Stonehenge, The Pyramids, and Donald Trumps hair…

I often ponder how this happens…

GOOD LOOKING GUYS AND THE UGLY GIRLS THEY LOVE!!!!

Now this may be slightly hypocritical, but when you see a very pretty girl and a not so hot guy, for some reason I get it. Like he is probably super nice to her, maybe he has some money, maybe he is a rock star, maybe he has a babies arm, maybe he doesn’t treat her like a trophy….its understandable

But when I see a dashing handsome man on the arm of a SEA HAG, I’m simply baffled.

Can someone please explain to me what crazy forces are at work in the universe when this happens???

Guys are programmed differently than girls – being nice, and sweet only gets u so far with them…so how the fuck does this happen?

No gag reflex?

Vagina of gold?

Please someone comment and give me their thoughts on how Zeus ends up with Medusa?!?!

Email me at b.davis@thisiswhyihateu.com or just comment on this post.

 

Where u bitches been???

1 May

I’m starting to feel alone…

Alone in a world filled with puppy dogs and ice cream….

A world where I am the only person who see’s the limitless amount of douche dingles and cock wranglers around us….

READERS…..WHERE ARE UR RANTS!?!?

Let it loose people, unleash the beast…

Tell ur girl B.Davis who/what you hate and why

Email me @ b.davis@thisiswhyihateu.com

I will post ur reader rant on the webiste and the FB page!

Putrid Perry

25 Apr

Days like this I want to drive away

Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade

You chewed me up and spit me out

Like I was POISON in your mouth…..

SPEAKING OF POISON in ones MOUTH…..

Welcome to The Smelly Vagina Club KATY PERRY

Now I like you, so this is a little hard for me, I’m torn!!

But between your total disregard for the health of your hair and all the pictures of you in way to tight pants/shorts and the general skankiness of your look I am now forced to initiate you into the only club that wishes it had less members…

The Smelly Vagina Club.

Is it just me people, or does this broad always look like she pulled an all nighter, baby wiped her pits, slapped on some perfume and did it all over again the next night???

With all you sex driven songs and suggestiveness I wanted to believe that you took care of the area…but I can no longer live this lie. I have come to terms with the fact that YOU my friend wear panties made of sashimi, and bathe in fish oil.

Russell Brand is a dirty little man, and he left…could it be that he no longer wanted to feast on the cream cheese between ur thighs??

I have a suggestion…HAIR…back to black, and whilst rinsing the dye out of ur head, take that shower head and point it directly towards ur FUNGINA…PLEASE!!!!

P.S

Being BFF with Rihanna does not help ur vaginal health!!

P.P.S

Don’t think that picture of you and ur vagina sweat went unnoticed!!!!

Um….How old are you???

11 Apr

Maybe I just have good genetics. Maybe it’s from having older sisters, or maybe its cause I was born and raised in NY, where people take pride in their appearance (mostly), but THANKFULLY….I look YOUNGER then I actually am.

I take good care of myself, never look like who did it and ran (unless hungover, or simply in a I don’t give a fuck mood), and actually make it a point to take a brush to my hair and slap on some pore minimizer every morning.

Ms. I think I’m a natural beauty THIS IS WHY I HATE U!!!!!!!

I recently found out someone in my office…we will call her FRUMP GIRL….is 24. Twenty Fucking Four…I shit you not, this chick looks worn out, haggard and def looks at least 5 to 6.5 years older than me. Mind you she is married.

At what point do you just give up? At what point do you say fuck it, I’m going to wear mismatched ill-fitting clothing throw my hair in a bun, not spray down my fly-aways, and walk out with zero makeup on. Maybe I will even skip moisturizer today????

WHATS WRONG WITH U!!!

You are the lady, who one day, your kids are going to be embarrassed to bring friends over to the house to meet. Your not gonna be the hip, attractive mom, you’re gonna be the busted old hag that gave up mid 20′s.

DONT BE THAT GIRL!!!!!!

Every day me and my co-worker watch as FRUMP GIRL walks around the office looking like a sea hag, and we shake our heads and judge the shit out of her.

Now don’t get me wrong, I in no way doll myself up everyday, but COME ON!!!! Tinted moisturizer makes a world of difference. Just TRY…thats all I ask is TRY to look like a woman!!!

Ur mid 20′s…your shit should be right and tight. You shouldnt need that much help in the morning to look young and fresh.

And how hard is it to wear matching clothes? This girl has come into the office in a black spandex cocktail dress, with an open back (back zits included), and BROWN casual flat boots. DO U OWN A MIRROR???????

How do you have a husband????

YOU HAVE MEAN FRIENDS!!!

I think I need to submit her to What Not To Wear…cause homegirl needs help. You look like ur 35…and not a hot 35…a beat up ex meth addict 35.

And who the fuck is dying ur hair?

FRUMP GIRL…GET A CLUE!!!!!!

I saw a picture of you on ur wedding day, I know its possible for you to look attractive….DO IT…before ur husband ends up dry humping THE CLOSET WHORE!!!!!

 

The Tale of The Closet Whore

2 Apr

You all know one….she hides behind a facade of puppy dogs and ice cream. She walks around like her shit dont stink. She acts as if she is the “guys girl”. Makes friends with your boyfriend. Loves sports, so NOT INTO typical girl stuff…She is “The cool girl”. BUT…In reality, she is waiting for you to turn ur back for 5 min so she can blow your boyfriend… SHE IS THE CLOSET WHORE

BEWARE LADIES…SHE WALKS AMONGST U

The best part about this evil little minx, is that no one ever suspects her until you walk in and find your boyfriend hitting her from behind, and by that point its to late!!

Normally this girl is a little over weight or tom boyish…its part of her disguise. You would never think that she has the vaginal power to lure your unsuspecting boyfriend into some sort of inner thigh sin scenario.

She makes like she is your best friend, but also acts as if she is ur boyfriends best friend sometimes. DOUBLE AGENT…all part of her plan.

You never have confirmation of her secret skank activity. Its mentioned and gossiped about, but no concrete proof. This is because the guys she sleeps with are either embarrassed to say they did it, or can’t because they have a girlfriend…this is how she is able to maintain her NON THREAT persona, when in fact she is lurking thru the night, with lace panties, flying with the help of her CLOSET WHORE CAPE!!!

She also likes to talk shit about other girls. She is the first one to call someone a skank, a pig, a slut…this is because she knows her closet whoreness can never come out fully…to many would be implicated.

LADIES…we must expose this evil beast for what she is. A boyfriend blowing, rim job giving, “if I was ur girl I would never do that” saying, CLOSET WHORE!!!

Careful….look for the signs, you don’t want to walk into ur bridal suite one day and find her under ur husband on ur wedding day….TRUE STORY!!

J.Huds Jugs

12 Mar

OK…GIRLFRIEND…Congrats on ur weight loss, and I will let you know that when u are properly dressed, u look really good…

That being said …HEY SLOPPY TITS…..

FIX.THAT.SHIT

Now when you go down about 10+ dress sizes, gravity takes over….and your once HUGE knockers are now about 5 sizes smaller, and they are sloppy and hang, and are screaming out for help…I will leave the bread ur baking in ur armpit and back area out of this one for now…cause that would just be mean.

You are in the public eye, have plenty of money, I think maybe u need some sort of skin removal body tuck and for the love of god FIX UR TITS!!

I’m not sure who dresses you, but ur flap jacks aint perky, and should not be left to wobble around on their own without proper support.

I have seen you in numerous magazines and on TV with one boob where it should be and the other left to its own devices. Everyone can see they are deflated and don’t tell me when you take ur clothes off your happy with ur milk udders!!

GET A LIFT….HAPPY MONDAY!

Cat Calling Cockheads

15 Feb

This is why I hate u…cause u make me wanna vomit for starters!!

Who raised u?

What exactly do you think us unsuspecting innocent women are going to do when we hear the words “hey baby, uh, I wanna lick ur fine ass”???

Do you think we are going to walk over to your delivery van/bicycle/jack hammer and drop drawers and bend over???

The words “Hey Mommie” followed by kissy noises and teeth sucking does NOT make me wanna take ur hair net off and have my way with u!! JUST AN FYI…

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say walking over to a woman on her way to work whispering sweet nothing like “hey baby can I holla at u” IS NOT going to get u any poon.

My theory is that this worked for one dirtbag and men decided it was fair game.

Now I will admit on a rare occasion I enjoy a long look from a hot cop, or a hello from a hard hat toting beast, but it is RARE that they are hot and it is RARE that they are NOT RUDE!!!

Just cause I have tits and have to walk the streets of Manhattan does that mean every man has the right to talk to me like a hooker???

And it’s not just the blue-collar guys I’m picking on here –  I LOVE them, I own one myself…

YOU MEN IN SUITS are most of the time WORSE!! Get behind ur desk and surf internet porn or jerk off in the bathroom please, cause when I’m on my lunch break and you and your investment banker friends say things like “I would like to eat that” I want to stab you with a pencil…stop hiding behind ur Ralph Lauren dick lick!!

One day I’m gonna walk up to one of you cat calling cock knockers, seductively lick my lips, press my body against you and knee the shit out of ur balls!

ENOUGH SAID!

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